


On Wings of Smoke and Ash

by DragonOfChanges



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Grieving Castiel, Grieving Sam, Love Confessions, M/M, Other, letter writing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-26
Updated: 2016-09-05
Packaged: 2018-08-11 03:04:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7873726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DragonOfChanges/pseuds/DragonOfChanges
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set shortly after the close of Season 11. In this one, there was no intruder in the Bunker when Sam and Cas returned, so Cas was not banished, and Sam was not shot. See if you can guess the song I reference in the first chapter!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. What Never Was

Castiel sat down next to Sam at the table in the Bunkers War Room. He looked over at the man who was researching a new case that had popped up that morning. A lone were two states over. An easy case, but Cas wasn’t here about that. This time, he needed something from Sam. He cleared his throat and Sam looked up. He smiled.

“Hi Cas.” His smile faded when he saw Cas’ expression.

“Sam, can we talk?”

“Sure Cas, what’s up?” Cas took a moment to gather his thoughts. His face was troubled.

“Its about my Father.” Sam closed the book he was reading, giving the angel his full attention. 

“Go on.”

“I know that both He and Amara died so that the balance could be kept. I know it’s too late…but there were so many things I wanted to say to Him, things I wanted to ask. And now I’ll never…I never really knew Him, but I wish…” He sighed, and bowed his head.

“You wish you had the chance to say them, to tell Him how you felt about…everything.”

“Yes.” Sam looked thoughtful. 

“I think I can help you with that.” He got up, and walked towards his room. 

“Wait here. I’ll be right back.” He returned a few minutes later with a small sheaf of blank parchment, a bottle of ink, and an old fashioned pen, and set them on the table in front of Cas. Cas looked at him quizzically

“What am I supposed to do with those.” Sam smiled, a little sadly.

“When someone close to you dies, sometimes it helps you to grieve, to close the chapter, if you write them a letter. It’s a way of saying everything you couldn’t, or didn’t say when they were alive. I did it when Jess died, when my dad died, and again recently when Dean…again...” He looked down, his grief still fresh, almost too much. Knowing as well how much his brother had meant to the angel. ”It helped, a lot.” He finished. Tears welled in the young mans’ eyes.

“Thank you, Sam. I’ll give it a try. I guess I have two letters to write, though…” He smiled softly. “I miss him, too, Sam. More than you know.” Sam put a hand on Cas’ shoulder, giving it a soft squeeze.

“I’ll leave you to it then. And here’s some music to write by.” He cued up a song on his computer, clicked play, and left Cas to his task. In the background, a Moody Blues song played softly…

"How appropriate..." Cas whispered as he began to write.

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

 

The sun was setting as the two men built a small fire in the pit outside the Bunker. The taller one lit the wood, soaked in kerosene. The flames roared to life, and both men stepped back. They enjoyed the crackle of the flames as dusk crept in. The world was quiet, and there was a chill in the air. The smaller man pulled two folded letters from the pocket of his tan trench coat. He rubbed his fingers along the fold of the thicker letter, seeming almost unwilling to commit it to the flames. He tossed the slimmer letter into the fire, a symbol of a relationship that never was.

“Father. “ He said softly. “I’m sorry.” He brought the second letter to his lips, kissing it gently before giving it to the fire. A symbol of a relationship that could have been. 

“Dean….I love you.” Tears flowed from the smaller mans’ eyes. 

“He loved you too.”

They stood and watched as the fire consumed the offerings, taking them Heavenward on wings of smoke and ash.


	2. Dear Dad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiels' letter to his Father.

Father, 

With everything that went on, we never really got to talk. When I first saw You, my brother had control of my vessel and wouldn’t let me speak directly to You. After the battle with Amara You were sick, dying. It wasn’t the time for a confrontation. Then You vanished, and I hadn’t said the things that I wanted to. So, on the advice of a very good friend, I’ll say them here. 

Yes, I was awake and heard Your talk with Lucifer. Now I understand why my brother became what he is. It's good to know that he was never REALLY a villain, nor a monster. I am so very glad that you two reconciled before... I also talked to Sam, and he explained Your reasons for leaving so long ago. I understand that You taking a “step back” was a good idea for humanity- necessary to let them grow. Even though their growth entailed a lot of destruction of Your work, You stopped hovering and let them learn. But when You had to lock Your sister away because she threatened all of Your creations-and as a result had to Cage The Morningstar, Your most cherished Son, it was Your breaking point. You had had enough of destruction, of disappointment and guilt. Just being in Heaven made Your heart ache from what You had to do, from the very absence of Your First Son from Your side, so You left. I won’t deny that Your leaving hurt. It hurt to think that You had abandoned us, for whatever reason. The truth is that I missed You, missed Your Presence in Heaven-it was a warmth that I basked in, even from my post afar. Now I understand why You felt that You had to leave, and I forgive You for leaving us-for leaving me. I just thought You should know... I also apologize for my anger towards You when I couldn’t find You, and the unkind words I said when I thought You weren’t there to listen.

The one thing I wanted to ask You is WHY do you keep bringing ME back? I have died, more than once, killed by my brothers and by my own foolishness and hubris. They were deaths that were well deserved. Especially after my slaughter of so many-on Earth, and my own Brothers and Sisters in Heaven. But over and over again I find myself alive, restored and healed. Am I flawed or damaged? Are You bringing me back in hopes of “fixing” me, as Naomi tried to so many times? Or is this “tough love? Are you trying to teach me the errors of my ways as You taught mankind? Is it my disobedience, my refusal to follow orders-to follow the Plan that You crafted at the beginning of Time? Have I angered or disappointed, or offended You? Is this a punishment? Suffering on, unable to really die? Unable to do any better in my restored life, only make more of a mess every time I try to atone for what has come before. Is that what this is, a series of punishment resurrections? If so, then I am so very sorry. Sorry that I wasn’t able to be a better angel, a better soldier, a better son. I have only ever tried to do what I thought was right, even when it wasn’t in accordance with Heavens Plan. If I am such a “screw up”, why did you bother bringing me back over and over again? What was the point? 

I don’t know if or when I’ll see You again, and I know that my questions may never be answered. Sam was right, though. Writing this did make me feel better, even if You never read it.

One thing more. Know that, no matter what has happened between us, I DO love You, Father. And I will always be…  
Your Loving Son,  
Castiel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Usual non- ownership...yada yada...


	3. Dear Son

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An unexpected reply.

A week or so after the burning of the letters, Sam came home from a grocery run to find an envelope taped to the Bunker door. It was made of thick parchment paper, and was sealed with wax. On it, in a masculine script, was written “Castiel, Angel of the Lord”. Sam brought it inside.

“CAS!!!” He yelled down the Bunker halls.” Someone left a note on the door for you. Who even knows you’re here?” Cas took the letter from Sam. Who would know of his presence here. And who would write to him, like this? He picked up a dagger from the table, and gently pried off the wax seal. Inside was a single, folded sheet of paper. Cas opened it up. He gasped loudly, and sat down hard in one of the wooden chairs.

“What?” asked Sam. “Who’s it from?”

“You’re not going to believe this.” Sam came and stood next to the angel. Together, the two read the strange missive.  
****************************

Dear Son,

First of all, I am SO sorry for abandoning you. I should have been there for you, for the other Angels, and for humanity-at least at the times that they needed Me most. I should have handled My sister better, and Lucifers’ decline and imprisonment should never have been. When I left Heaven, I was so blinded by anger and grief that I didn’t see what I had done to all of you. I never should have left My Children on their own. You needed me, and I forsook you all. Metatron was right. I was a coward, but no more! As for your anger and “unkind words”, consider them forgotten. I kind of deserve them, anyhow… I will try hard from here on to earn the forgiveness that my Child gives so freely, so openly.

Secondly, YOU ARE NOT BROKEN!!! You do the things you do because of how I created you. I guess I should backtrack and explain a few things here. You were the last Seraphim that I created, just before I began work on Humanity. My other Seraphs were good soldiers, good Children, but they were boring. Rigid. When I created you, I had already been working on the idea of souls, and of free will, for my new creations. I wondered what an angel would do if he had these, so I mixed just a touch of each of these into your Grace before breathing life into you. There was NEVER a “crack in your chassis”. I consider it an upgrade from “factory stock” instead. This is why you made the choices you did, why you were able to make them. I am not holding any of it against you. Not even the deaths of your Brothers and Sisters. THEY will be restored, in My time. Most of them, at least. 

I want you to know that I am so PROUD of you! You showed incredible strength in what were often terrible situations. You followed your heart and did what you thought was best, even when it was hard to do so. You showed courage and compassion in ways that are usually seen only in humans. You were not afraid to make the hard choices, even if it could cost you everything-friends, family, your freedom, your Grace, even your life. THAT is why I kept bringing you back- not as a punishment, but as a reward. To allow you to keep using the gift of free will that I gave you to protect my greatest Creation, Humanity. I’m sorry that it seemed like punishment and caused you pain. You say that you didn’t follow the Plan, but you did. It just wasn’t the one the rest of Heaven was following. It was MY plan. Even if I made it up as I went …I wish I had told you all of this a long time ago.

So, yes, even though you are an Angel of…Me, you have a soul, of sorts. This means that when you finally DO die, you will return to Heaven, and have a place of eternal rest of your very own. I suspect, however, that you will be sharing it with the one you love most…

Son, know that we will meet again. I promise that I have not abandoned you, and will not ever again. Know that l am here, and that I always will be…  
Your Loving Father,  
Chuck 

************************

“My Father is alive.” Cas whispered “If He didn’t die, then Amara didn’t either. The balance has been kept…. Which means that Dean…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The usual non ownership disclaimers...


	4. Falling..In Love with You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiels' letter to Dean. Remember that it was written BEFORE Cas got his Dads' reply...

Hello Dean,

There are so many things that I should have told you. Things I NEEDED to say, but I was so afraid... Afraid of your reaction. Afraid that you’d push me away. That our relationship would change for the worse, or that it would end and you would hate me. I see now that I should have had the courage to say this before you left. Before it was too late. I’m so sorry that I never told you how I feel. I think it all comes down to three words.

I LOVE YOU.

Yes, Dean Winchester, I FELL IN LOVE with you. I love you-not as a brother, but as so much more. I have for a long time, though I’m not sure exactly when it began. There is no one else in this world (or any other) that I would want to spend the rest of my existence with. I would have even happily met my end at your side when you killed Amara, rather than face this eternity without you.

You should know that I wanted so much for us. I wanted to be able to see you wake in the morning, and hold you in my arms as you slept. I wanted to share your good times, and the not so good ones. I wanted to share my body only with you. To feel your lips on mine. To look into your eyes as I made love to you.

I wanted to make you pancakes, and pie. To hold your hand in the supermarket. To help you fix Baby when she needed it. To have a home and a life with you, even if it was sometimes a life on the road, and “home” had four wheels. I wanted to be able to stand in front of everyone and declare that you were mine, and I was yours. I wanted to BE a Winchester-in truth. And I wanted to be the one to hold you as you took your last breath, many many years from now. Most of all, I wanted to try to give you all of the happiness that you deserved. I wanted to share that happiness with you. Maybe it’s selfish, but I wanted a little bit longer, a little more, before…

Our goodbye came much too soon. What hurts most is that it is forever. As an Angel, there is no “after” for me. No eternity, no Paradise and being reunited with the ones I love…only the Empty awaits me. And peace…Don’t worry, I'll watch over Sam for as long as he wants and needs me to. I promised you that. I won’t “do anything stupid”, as you put it. I will carry on. 

And every day, until my end finally comes, I will think of you. You have…

All of my Love, Forever.  
Your Angel,  
Castiel

P.S. The pictures are of the places I wanted to see with you.  
I particularly like the ones of the beach and the waves…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The usual non ownership stuff...


	5. Coming Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Red alert at the Bunker!!

It had been a month since Amaras defeat. Sam and Cas were returning home after cleaning out a nest of vamps in Wyoming. It had been a tough fight, and both the Angel and the Moose were exhausted and bloody, but mostly unhurt. Cas' Grace had been depleted in the fray. Rest would have been a good thing at that point, but they had needed to head straight home from the fight. Sam had received a text shortly after they had returned to their motel room, before he even had a chance to grab a shower. It was from an unknown number. It was just a few words, but more than enough to raise a red flag with both of them. 

From: (679)555-4422  
MEET ME AT THE BUNKER.

They took off immediately and made the long drive nonstop, driving in shifts so that Sam could catch a little sleep on the way. They were sure that their sanctuary had been invaded in their absence. Maybe by Crowley…or worse- Lucifer? Or demons? Angels? Who else knew about their home? Who would dare to come there? Worry gnawed at them for the whole ride. Finally they pulled up to the bunker. Sam parked a bit away from the door, and they approached it with caution.

As they opened the Bunkers inner door, Sam silently signaled for Cas to enter first. Cas stepped through the portal, Angel blade drawn. There was a gasp, and the clatter of the blade falling to the floor far below. Sam pushed by Cas, his gun drawn, and was met with the sight of his not-so-dead brother. Dean had his feet up on the war room table and was drinking a beer. Three empties sat on the table.

“Hiya Sammy! Hey Cas!” Dean grinned at the pair, tipping his beer in salute. The two were stunned, frozen in disbelief. Sam finally recovered his wits and rushed down the stairs, nearly falling in his haste. Dean stood up to meet his brother and captured him in a crushing hug.

“Dean, how….? Who? And its SAM.” He grumped, pulling back and giving Dean a bitchface, which Dean ignored.

“It’s a long story, and I’ll get to that. But first... ”He looked beyond his brother, to where the angel now stood at the bottom of the stairs, smiling. Looking happy, yet hesitant.

“Hello, Dean. It’s wonderful to see you. I'm so glad you're...” Dean swept past Sam. Cas stepped forward, bracing himself emotionally. Expecting the same brotherly hug that Dean had given Sam. Instead, he was met with Deans lips on his own, crushing into him. With Deans hands cupping his face. It was all fire, heat and passion. Cas was startled, but soon melted into the kiss and the touch of Deans fingers on his skin. The world suddenly became very small. Only the points where they met existed. After long minutes, Dean broke the kiss, and stood with his forehead pressed to the angels.

“Dean. What?” Cas gasped.

“I love you, too, Cas. With all that I am. Forever.”

“I don’t understand…” Dean pulled a letter from his pocket. It was crumpled, the folds worn thin as if it had been read over and over again. Cas recognized it immediately.

“How? I burned…”

“I think your Dad might have something to do with it. I found it on my bed one morning when I got out of the shower. Just appeared out of nowhere. I’ve read it almost a hundred times.” He looked down, suddenly shy.

“I was a fool, Cas. And a coward, for never telling you how I felt about you. I was so afraid of losing you. I didn’t want to tell you, and change things. I didn’t want to…”

“Scare me away?” Cas asked. Dean nodded. He slipped his arms around the angel, bringing him in close. Holding him gently, he continued.

"And I was afraid that once I let myself love you, Cas, it would hurt too much if I ever lost you. You've died too many times already. I wasn't sure if I could take it again, especially if your Dad didn't bring you back, if it was forever." Cas held Dean as tears flowed from the hunters green eyes at the thought of such a loss.

"You won't lose me, Dean. We'll always find one another. I promise." Dean finally calmed and pulled away, still holding Cas' hands.

“Cas, all those things in your letter? I want that too. All of it. Mornings and kisses, holding hands, pancakes, and pie. Baby. Us. Together, for as long as we have. I want to see all those places in the pictures too. I like the ocean. And Las Vegas-with the Elvis impersonators. I really dig Elvis. I’m babbling.” Cas silenced him, with a kiss of his own. A gentle press of lips. A gasp when Deans tongue parted them, exploring, tasting. They were interrupted by a sound halfway between a sob and a laugh. Cas looked over at Sam, puzzled. Dean glared at him. “What?” he snapped at his brother.

“Finally!” was all that Sam could manage.

*******************************************************************************************

 

They sat on Deans bed, side by side, knees touching. Cas had caught him up on what had happened while he was gone. About the hunts they had been on. About Sams idea to write the letters and burn them to help him grieve. About Chucks unexpected reply, and the small hope it had given him that Dean hadn't perished. And Dean had told them what had happened with Chuck and Amara. He didn’t mention finding his mom, though. He wanted it to be a surprise for Sam and Cas, when she showed up in a week or so. 

“So…Chuck actually wrote you back?” Cas nodded.

“I’m really glad that you two got things straight.“ He hesitated. “He said that you have a soul, which means you have an afterlife. Thats amazing! Wonderful!!“ He cupped the angels chin in his hand. “I hope that we’ll share that too.”

“We will, Dean. I’m sure of it. But lets not worry about that yet.” Cas kissed his hunter softly. Dean looked up into the most beautiful blue eyes in all of Creation.

“Cas, I have a favor to ask.”

“Anything, Dean.” Dean handed the well worn letter to Cas.

“Could you…read this to me?”

“But you’ve read it over and over.”

“And every time, I imagined it was you reading it. I just need to hear…” Cas nodded, understanding, and unfolded the letter.

“Hello Dean…” he began…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The usual non ownership stuff here...

**Author's Note:**

> The usual non ownership disclaimer for the characters, as well as the referenced songs/artists.


End file.
